Old published stuff

Originally posted on Orange.co.uk Posted by Stewart Turner Who’s that sneaking down to the kitchen in a silk gown to satisfy her midnight cheesecake urges? Why, it’s Nigella of course, back for a 13-episode tutorial in the fine art of alliteration, with a little bit of cooking thrown in for good measure. “Gorgeous golden gleaming gloop” was last night’s winner, weighing in at a respectable four words. A peanut butter cheesecake, in case you were wondering. Kicking off the show with an evocative snapshot of David Cameron’s Britain, we joined Nigella as she slinked out of Sloane Square station before heading home to show us her sizeable pantry. Home to an enviable collection of different-shaped pastas, popcorn buckets and pepper-shaped fairy lights, it’s big enough to house a family of four in some of the poorer parts of the capital. When she wasn’t cooking cakes to the point where they “had a hint of inner-thigh wibble”, Nigella rustled up some delicious-looking roast se...

Originally posted on IsleOne Thursday, September 16th, 2010 See all stewart turner's posts on IsleOne stewart turner on his blog Serving up 48oz steaks probably isn’t the brightest business model for a restaurant, even if you utilize one of Thanet’s less salubrious butchers shops; but whether the collapse of Fatty Towers was down to spiralling catering costs or an overestimation of the nation’s love of lard remains something of a mystery. Swinging open its doors for a couple of years in the mid-90s, this was the bouncing brainchild of larger than life Bad Manners frontman Buster Bloodvessel. Taking heart from the success of his Club 18 – 30 Stone dining venture along the coast in Ramsgate, Buster set to work on a seaside complex d...

Originally published on Orange.co.uk Posted by Stewart Turner Ever wished you could have a quiet word with Carla off Coronation Street in a bid to curb her whisky-guzzling? Or tell Stacey Slater that scrapping in Albert Square is really rather unladylike? This could be the show for you. New Channel 4 "docusoap" (just don't call it reality TV, OK? ) Seven Days gives us the chance to interact with up to 18 inhabitants of Notting Hill, making suggestions and giving advice via a 'ChatNav' on the show's website. Much like the eponymous movie version of Notting Hill, Seven Days features more than its fair share of annoying poshos, and if the makers of the show were counting on making a good first impression and gripping the viewer from the outset, they certainly could've chosen a better pair to introduce us to than interior designer Hannah and her "mummy". Within about 30 seconds of watching them rah-rah-rahing over glasses of champag...

Posted by Stewart Turner These days we'll only consume tomatoes if they look like freshly polished snooker balls. Knobbly carrots are sent straight off to the pig farm without so much as a five-minute swansong on That's Life . But change is in the air, inspiring the BBC to send a collection of celebrity chefs off to pull horrified faces in Lincolnshire lettuce fields. Their task? To prepare a banquet for 60 VIPS (including Bill Oddie and Lembit Opik) from food which was on the brink of being thrown away. Now here's a poser for you: What's worse than useless unless it's between 17 - 21cm long? A courgette, apparently. Thousands of them are thrown away every single day for failing to live up to our demanding expectations. Most depressing of all was a Kentish fisherman's haul of 200 delicious slip soles destined to be chucked because they're deemed too tiny for our dinner tables. I was particularly annoyed: it's barely a couple of weeks s...

Originally posted on Isle One Legend has it your average Guardian reader can slash a couple of decades off his life just by taking a wrong turning onto the mean streets of Cliftonville en route to Broadstairs. But it wasn’t always like this: up until a few decades ago this murky pocket of seaside deprivation was a highly desirable place to live – something that’s heartbreakingly evident on those rare days when the sun streams down through the huge sky, putting a sheen on some of the most beautiful Georgian and Victorian architecture you could ever hope to clap eyes on. Despite its obvious edginess and genuinely shocking levels of poverty, Cliftonville is one of the most enchanting places in the country, with a rich history and an architectural curiosity around every corner. If this place can’t turn itself around and become a brilliant place to live once again, surely nowhere can. The fact t...

Posted by Stewart Turner “I was morbid as a child,” admitted 19-year-old undertaker Paul Gillett at the start of last night’s Cutting Edge documentary. “If I saw a dead bird in the street, I wouldn’t play with it, but I’d go and have a look.” You can’t say the signs weren’t there early on, and sure enough, these days Paul makes his cash by shaving the faces and brushing the hair of dead bodies down at the local undertakers. It’s a creepy job, but someone’s got to do it, and luckily Paul loves it – so much so that he’s just started dating a fellow teen undertaker. During arm-in-arm strolls in the park the pair of them discuss messy sessions with the coroners and the best way to keep corpses’ eyelids open. What could be more romantic? Norwich 18-year-old Laura is an even more unlikely undertaker. She was bitten by the funeral bug after doing a week’s work experience when she was just 14, and has been enthusiastically marketing death ever since. Her employers have e...