The Scandalous Adventures of Lord Byron, Monday 9pm, Channel 4

Rupert Everett © Channel 4

Long before Pete Doherty started stuffing deodorant-soaked socks in his gob and penning paeans to supermodels, a young poet named Byron set sail for Europe. With a reckless disregard for cash, he visited the brothels of Portugal, took tea with a brutal tyrant in tribal Albania and hung out in the infamous “buggery shops” of the Ottoman Empire. All in all, a bit like a Saga coach trip, but with a few less toilet stops.

This two-part documentary opens with the alarming sight of über-luvvie Rupert Everett splish-sploshing around in an antique bathtub, and as such, it’s immediately clear this show is as much about him as it is his hero Byron. Although he’s clearly in awe of the subject matter – and Byron’s life is undoubtedly as colourful as one could possibly imagine – it’s also strikingly apparent that Rupert sees himself as some kind of pretender to the poet’s Bacchanalian throne. In truth, it’s more like watching a member of the Bullingdon Club rattle through some old Carry On scripts.

Rupert kicks off in Lisbon, where he meets a high-class escort girl and asks her which nationality has the biggest (ahem!) Percy Shelley. Then it’s off to in deepest darkest Albania, where he gets all “Ooh, matron” with a local tour guide then tells a misguided joke to a bunch of 10-year-olds about making Albania Communist again, before being interviewed on a local chat show. For two hours. “That’s spreading even me a little bit thin” he brays.

Whether you find all this stuff entertaining will entirely depend on your attitude to the great man himself (that’s Rupert, not Byron, dummy) and your tolerance for him delivering lines about how "irresistibly charming and incredibly rude" Byron was before turning to the camera with a knowing look and tittering, “Remind you of anyone?”

Of course, his tongue could well be planted firmly in his cheek - but either way, I’d like to punch it.

by Stewart Turner, Monday 27 July 2009

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