Old published stuff

Posted by Stewart Turner Ever wondered how Jamaican speed machine Usain Bolt manages to smash world records every time he leaves the house? It’s all down to a magical white substance produced on the plantations of the Caribbean, according to his dad. But don’t start haranguing the IAAF to give the big man a urine test just yet. We’re talking yams – a powerful performance-enhancing vegetable according to Usain’s dad, who dropped by this new Caribbean cooking show for a spot of lunch. A scrumptious-looking yam recipe wasn’t the only thing on offer in the opening episode of Levi Roots’ show. Indeed, if you thought the extent of his culinary expertise was getting fearsome dragon Peter Jones all hot under the collar by bottling a gloopy red sauce, last night probably came as a pleasant surprise. ...

The latest piece of Recession TV to be wrung out of the Beeb’s brainstorming bunker, Can You Bank on Me? last night threw two EVIL, COLD-HEARTED bankers head-first into the rabid jaws of a couple of struggling, credit-crunched companies, offering them redemption if they could turn their fortunes around, as well as the chance for us plebs to have a good old moan at them. Griselda Anderson-Wheeler – a cocky Sloane Ranger presumably picked because she has the poshest name BBC researchers could find – was sent off to a work in tatty seaside guesthouse in Blackpool, while Amit Patel, an ex-property magnate, fared slightly better with a week-long trip to an struggling organic dairy farm. Of course, all this was merely an excuse for us to guffaw at poshos having to don an apron and serve up cream of mushroom soup to some Lancastrian pensioners, or tinker with a cow’s udder, and the whole thing was more like the first half-hour of an episode of The Apprentice than any thoughtful look ...

Peep Show ’s David Mitchell! Grumpy Old Woman Jo Brand! Russell “why on earth do they keep booking him” Howard! Yep, it’s yet another clever-clever BBC panel show. This time it’s the return of Would I Lie To You? for a third series, with newly anointed flannel-master Rob Brydon taking over presenting duties from poor Angus Deayton, who must surely be wondering if he’ll ever see a quiz show through to its natural conclusion. If you’re not familiar with the format, rather than being a quiz based on the works of ‘90s soul warblers Charles & Eddie, it’s actually a kind of smug rework of gameshow classic What’s My Line? where two panellists aim to convince members of the opposing team to fall for their porkies, while the third is actually telling the truth. Other members of tonight’s rent-a-panel include Larry Lamb, better known as EastEnders pint-puller Archie Mitchell, and dethroned Countdown queen Carol Vorderman, who suffers some rather cruel jibes at the hand o...

Sadly not the warts and all, fly-on-the-wall documentary of life on the road with Lizzie and Phil I was expecting, On Tour with The Queen instead took a look back at her Majesty’s 1953 tour of the Commonwealth, with actor and playwright Kwame Kwei-Armah - aka Casualty ’s Finlay Newton - at the helm for the first of four episodes. The Queen was landed with the lengthy tour of duty just a few weeks after her coronation, the aim being to assert Britain’s position as a world power in the face of a crumbling, unprofitable Empire which it could no longer afford to sustain. With the UK still a rubble-strewn, poverty-stricken mess after the World War II effort, and somebody having to pay to clean it up, it was clear that something had to give. The first port of call was Bermuda, which Kwame s...