Farmer Wants A Wife, Wednesday 9pm, Five

Posted by Stewart Turner

Louise Redknapp


The farmer wants a wife, and rather than give internet dating a bash or stick a blonde wig and a frock on one of the friesians, he’s decided to call in the help of Louise Redknapp and her Five cohorts.

Proto-Wag Louise, a woman with about as much charisma as a comatose Kate Thornton, introduced us to Derek, a Bucks carrot-cruncher who was lucky enough to get 334 rather fruity responses to his lonely hearts ad on the Five website.

After whittling them down to just four, the lucky ladies were marched onto his farm like prize heifers at a cattle market. After deciding to ditch scary Russian Anna, who decided Derek was “the one” solely by a photo on a web page, and another lucky lady whose name escapes me, he picked flirty Canadian Karla and horsey Sarah to move onto the farm for a week.

Yes, move onto the farm for a week. Oh, and share a bed. In fact, the whole thing played like some kind of sordid middle-aged male fantasy, albeit one where the sports car is replaced by a Massey Ferguson, and the two “lovelies” (Derek’s words, not mine) proceeded to vie for his affections by mucking out the pigs and getting to grips with the combine harvester.

For what it’s worth, horse-loving, dog-showing Sarah seemed the perfect match for dopey Derek, but in the end he was swayed by Karla’s bumbling innuendo-laden chat-up lines. “You should see what other tricks I can do,” she cooed, up to her knees in cows***. “My t**s were on fire,” she added when picked as his perfect match, somewhat bizarrely.

Of course, it was all rather predictable when Derek spurned Sarah for the chance of a surefire sh*g with Karla – but in an almighty twist, the Canadian revealed she’d been asked to go to Australia for three months with work. Derek’s response? Straight back on the blower to Sarah, who had the utter lack of self-respect to take him up on his offer of a second chance.

Me? I just had the utter lack of self-respect to sit through it all.

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