Old published stuff

Posted by Stewart Turner Last night’s Only Fools and Horses prequel was fantastic news for the three people who’ve been chuckling along to the post-Peckham exploits of Boycey and Marlene in The Green Green Grass for the past few years. For the rest of us, it was just another unwelcome attempt by the BBC to revive the twitching corpse of Del Boy and co rather than commission something new. There were some big-hitters on board for Rock and Chips , essentially the story of how Del Boy and Rodney came to be brothers and yet differ in height by about three feet. Nicholas Lyndhurst did a reasonable job of rattling through his lines as Rodney’s cut-price Kray dad Freddie the Frog, and professional rent-a-cockney Phil Daniels was fairly convincing as a middle-aged version of Grandad. ...

Posted by Stewart Turner Are you struggling to quit smoking? Is the entire surface area of your body plastered in patches as you suck up nicotine through a ridiculous-looking plastic tube? Are you reduced to a gibbering wreck prepared to sell sexual favours for 10 Benson & Hedges after just a few minutes of nicotine withdrawal? Well, if there’s one thing guaranteed to have you reaching for a fag and tearing up your New Year’s resolution for good, it’s the sight of a Five reality TV show where ropey “celebs” like Chloe Madely, Linda Robson and (shudder) Paul Danan attempt to kick the habit. Still not convinced? Well, also on board for Five’s two-night celebrity quitathon is disgraced TV “psychic” Derek Acorah – a man who surely has a bit of an advantage with spirit guide Sam on board to help him kick his filthy habit – and short-tempered chef John Burton Race, shown practically puffing smoke into his young son’s face at one point ear...

Posted by Stewart Turner It’s around 12 months since Saint Delia sullied her reputation by smearing a frozen burger with horseradish and calling it a Sunday roast in her much maligned How To Cheat series. In an effort to reinstall the First Lady of Food back in her rightful place, her latest vehicle celebrates the chef's five glorious decades in the limelight. Cue a montage of Delias through the ages, from the floral pinnied and bowl haircutted "sexy Home Economics teacher’ look of the '60s and '70s, whizzing through the ‘extra from Howard’s Way ’ years of the eighties and nineties, right up to the sizzled-on-sherry football fan we all know and love today. Indeed, a sprinkling of national treasures popping up at the start to proffer their praise for the venerable Mrs Smith did make me wonder if Delia Through The Ages would amount to little more than six half-hour instalments of simpering ego massage, but thankfully a kn...