Celebrity Quitters, Monday 7.30pm, Five

Posted by Stewart Turner

Celebrity Quitters © Five

Are you struggling to quit smoking? Is the entire surface area of your body plastered in patches as you suck up nicotine through a ridiculous-looking plastic tube? Are you reduced to a gibbering wreck prepared to sell sexual favours for 10 Benson & Hedges after just a few minutes of nicotine withdrawal?

Well, if there’s one thing guaranteed to have you reaching for a fag and tearing up your New Year’s resolution for good, it’s the sight of a Five reality TV show where ropey “celebs” like Chloe Madely, Linda Robson and (shudder) Paul Danan attempt to kick the habit.

Still not convinced? Well, also on board for Five’s two-night celebrity quitathon is disgraced TV “psychic” Derek Acorah – a man who surely has a bit of an advantage with spirit guide Sam on board to help him kick his filthy habit – and short-tempered chef John Burton Race, shown practically puffing smoke into his young son’s face at one point early in the show.

As you’d expect from this sort of thing, the show was chock full of inane quips from our celebrity friends, who reacted to the prospect of quitting like their entire family had been machine-gunned by an army of angry insurgents.

Paul Danan was particularly affected, comparing giving up smoking to “losing your right arm, or your best friend” – a little consolation if one of your pals has just kicked the bucket or you’ve had your arm hacked off. He even reacted to the news that he has a “lung age” of 46 by sobbing and vomiting for the camera. Who said he couldn’t act?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m an ex-smoker myself, and know just how hard it is to quit. But do we really need to see every single facet of modern life turned into a celebrity reality show by Five and its cohorts? Celebrity Nailbiters or Celebrities Who Don’t Put their Dirty Washing in the Laundry Basket must only be a matter of months away…

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